Well hey bud, it’s been what about two years? About time I took the time to sit down and write, get some therapy in you know like chicken soup for the soul? So since my last post, I’ve had two new jobs. I became a leasing consultant for the apartments I lived in previously which I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU DON’T MOVE THERE. Let me tell you something, I am not meant to be a salesperson. I can’t lie and sell you dreams. The apartments weren’t that bad but the management company? Shit. Their staff (minus Adam and me)? Shit. I’m glad I left but I do miss that 20% discount. Okay so anyways, during that time I also got into a car accident and the manager at the time literally said to me “well I don’t know why you’re in pain if you didn’t break anything.” Look ho, I don’t need to break any bones to be in pain but that was when it hit me that jobs don’t give af about their employees so I bounced. A couple of months later I got hired at the courthouse *whoop whoop* and it’s been paradise since then. Literally. We moved to a bigger place, I got married, knocked up & my pension plan kicks ass. As perfect as it sounds, we’ve had our lows as well but we always overcome. I’m blessed to have my husband. He’s so kind, considerate, loving, trusting, dorky. He’s everything I’ve needed. Yeah yeah yeah I get it. I always say this about him but it’s the honest truth. He’s an angel. That gets on my last damn nerves…but he’s perfect. I’ve leaned on him so much not just during pregnancy but afterwards. You know not a lot of people tell you the aftermath after having a baby.
Postpartum depression is real. It disguises itself in many different ways and everyone’s experience is different. For me it was more of being left alone but needing to be around people. I don’t want to harm myself or my babies but there’s been many times where I didn’t feel okay and just didn’t want to talk. I wanted to sit down and just stay to myself. Do what I have to do but in silence. I didn’t want to interact with anyone. I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t care for whatever was going on around me. I just wanted to sit and be left alone so I could watch Grey’s Anatomy. Like a robot. Sit. Make bottle/breastfeed. Burp baby. Change diaper. Put her down. Sit. Grey’s Anatomy &repeat. The hardest part was losing touch with David for a bit. He tried and he tried so damn hard. He tried making me feel better. He tried giving me space when he didn’t know what else to do. He tried making me laugh. But I couldn’t. Instead of laughing I’d cry and I didn’t understand why. Why I couldn’t find something funny anymore. I’d try to talk but I couldn’t get the message out. I’d end up snapping, frustrated, overwhelmed and all he did was hold me and let me cry. Little by little I started talking to him some. And slowly I started feeling better. I started leaving the house. Fuck la dieta. My best friend took me out to eat and I cried as soon as she sat down. And I told her I don’t feel okay and she said that’s okay you just had a baby and well now you just need some human interaction. I’m here.
I’ve been doing better since those two days. It’s been a struggle. It’s been hard but I’m getting over that speed bump. It’s crazy how our bodies work. I had a vaginal birth so on the outside everything seems normal. Oh you can walk now, you can surely do this do that because I seem fine right? I had a baby inside of me for 10 months and 1 day. 10 months and 1 day of being a shelter for this baby. For nurturing this baby. 10 months and 1 day of doing my best to make sure she had the nutrients she needed from what I ate and drank. 10 months and 1 day of my body working twice as hard. 10 months and 1 day of trying to stay calm and not let anything stress me out because it’s bad for the baby. And then one day this tiny little human is outside of me and it’s like my body goes to shock, my hormones are all over the place trying to figure out why it’s not working twice as much anymore, why for 10 months and 1 day there was a human inside of me and now there isn’t. Your head goes into so many different directions and you don’t know which way to follow. You start getting anxiety at some point. So that’s why I’m here. I’m writing to get this out there in the open. FELLAS CHECK ON YOUR LADIES. Be there for them. Stop that whole my baby momma just acting crazy bullshit. There’s a reason why WOMAN are the ones that get pregnant. We are the stronger sex. Y’all can’t handle the cramps and periods let alone getting pregnant and giving birth. Y’all would pussy out at what we go through. But just because we’re strong doesn’t mean we don’t have off days. And those off days can last months. So please: Check on your ladies. Don’t make it harder on them. Help out. Wake up in the middle of the night and feed the baby. If you see dirty laundry do it. Bottles that need to be washed – wash them. Older children that need help with homework – help them. Let your baby momma/girlfriend/wife know they can depend on you to get over the speed bumps. Because what we go through already is hard on it’s own.
I’m thankful for David and everything he’s done from cleaning up after all of us, working 120 hours, being my support system and letting me have my off days. I wouldn’t be where I am without him. I’m thankful for Carmen. I’m thankful for my parents, sisters, Patricia and Tim. I’m thankful for everyone, family, coworkers & friends, who have checked up on me. I appreciate each and everyone of you.
It is Friday. Friday it is. I’m counting down the time until I get to leave. 2 hours and 15 minutes left. YAY. I wanna go home and take the chicken out since I forgot to this morning. I’m going to attempt to cook dinner tonight or maybe tomorrow. I just hope I don’t give anyone the runs. See I can cook for myself, but cooking for people, well that’s a whole different story. They’ll ask hey how’d you cook this and I’ll be like I really don’t know man I just slathered condiments on the chicken and stuck it in the pan & well here you are eating it now. Hope you don’t die.
2 hours and 9 minutes.
This post is literally about nothing but wasting your time. Hope my boss doesn’t read this. If he is *insert LONG pause* well Hey Chris, haha. What’s up? You know that raise we spoke about? Well see the funny thing is that this post is work related in the sense that I write about nonsense and attract people to my blog site and well since they’re reading this they might think oh yeah she works in a law firm let me get in touch with her for that one *insert: criminal/traffic/domestic relations* matter…and BOOM! New clients! I love you 😀 Let me get back to work. *sadly switches screens*
2 hours and 1 mintue.
1 hour and 39 minutes.
Taking a small break. I’m making the executive decision to close early today at 3:30.
1 hour and 22 minutes.
I got denied.
1 hour and 5 minutes.
I paid some bills.
1 hour and 3 minutes.
I’m gonna go poop.
In an hour, sunflower.
**PSA: No seriously though, if you are in need of an attorney for any traffic, criminal or domestic relations issues please call 703.246.9494. First consultation is free. Check out his ratings: Christopher B. Holley.
Honestly that’s how my life feels like. I feel like I’m always “discovering” myself. Nothing wrong with that, but when am I gonna have my shit together? Now that, my friend, is the million dollar question. What does having my shit together mean? Does it mean having bills and paying them on time? Graduating from college? Having a job that I love or doing something that I find pleasure in? Being more social instead of socially awkward? Does it mean following society’s rules and getting engaged by age 26, married at 27, buying a house at 28 and popping a kid at 30? Ya see?! What exactly does having my shit together mean? Cos I thought it meant getting up each morning, showering, brushing my teeth, getting dressed and going to work/school. I thought it meant paying my bills on time and making sure my credit score was up. I thought it meant making sure my kid had food to eat, was clean and healthy, had a roof over her head, and that I did everything in her best interest. I thought it meant taking care of myself, mentally and physically. While I do all of that, I still don’t think I have my shit together. Something’s missing and I’m not quite sure what it is.
Internal happiness? ✔
Supportive friends and family? ✔
A roof over my head (&kickass roommates)? ✔
A great boyfriend? ✔
A car that runs good? ✔
An indecisive future? ✔
Welp, I guess that’s it. What am I destined to do? It seems that I keep going to school for different things. I hate the going back and forth, flip flopping through one idea to the next.. I mean don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of things I want to do but starting and finishing something seems to be the problem. Am I fine with just working the way I’ve been doing? Most times I feel like yeah, but then I start thinking about expectations and well that makes me feel like a piece of well, shit. My parents expect me to go to school and do something with my life. There’s always that pressure to please them that weighs me down sometimes. It sucks. I know I’m not who they wanted me to be. I know I’m rebellious, have a temper and an attitude. I know I’m not into religion/church like how they raised me to be, etc. etc. But am I enough just the way I am? Am I bringing enough to the table for the people closest to me? I’ve dropped back a lot. “It’s not you, it’s me.” It really is me. I just rather lay low. Someone once told me:
“no matter what you get dragged into these fuck boy situations. Gaby, you’re a fuckboy without wanting to be a fuckboy.” So I rather just do me at my own pace out in the suburbs. And you know what? It’s fucking great. After all this venting, I’m thinking maybe I do have my shit together. It’s been everything that I thought it meant. I live for my best interests, my daughter’s and my boyfriend’s. Fuck everything else. Eventually, I’ll get there.
So long, King Kong.
Tug of war. Back and forth. Tears of pain. Tears of joy. You go under. You go up. You give in or you give up. You have your way but for what?
r u n away my love r u n away. Go far away, away from this part. Now don’t turn back, ‘cos what’s left is distraught. .
..ohh boy am I exhausted. I know I just started school and that the classes I’m taking now are easy general courses but I can’t wait until I graduate. I wish I can just fast >> forward to the day I get my B.S.N. but nope gotta get through these next four years. It’ll be over soon x 1,460 days from today. I. WILL. GET. THROUGH. THIS. BTW, since Christmas is coming , if anyone is feeling festive and wants to give me a present, I will GLADLY accept gift cards to Starbucks or actually just anything with a shit ton of caffeine in it. Or alcohol. No joke.
I got my nails done. I haven’t had fake nails on for a minute so I feel pretty dumb right now struggling to type this. Not only that, but I wanted to try something new so I asked for like pointy nails and they look like claws. Painted them a deep purple, now it looks like I have dragon hands. Which I thought was cool for like the first two mins but then it’s just been a failure. I forgot I use contacts…putting them in – easy peasy! Taking them out – it’s well let’s just say I end up with bloodshot eyes and tears running down my face. I won’t take them off just because I spent $71.00 plus tip on getting my nails done. Well that includes a pedi too but my momma ain’t raise no quitter.
I binged on the show Quantico today. It’s so frickin’ good. I’m highly upset this is only the first season. I was told to also watch blood and oil, how to get away with murder and shoot I forgot what other show to watch. I haven’t caught up to Empire and everyone keeps telling me to cos it’s getting crazy. I’m just waiting for Game of Thrones to come back. I’m still emotionally traumatized about Jon Snow dying. But anyways, I gotta get up and restock the coffee machine.
hit the road, happy toad!
PSA – I wrote this on Thanksgiving. I just forgot to edit and post it, whoops. You’ll be fine. Oh, and I took the nails off the day after the day after thanksgiving.
It’s been awhile. I haven’t forgotten about wordpress I’m just
tired :(. I’m taking a break right now before I go back to studying medical terminology. It’s not east at all and I’m behind. Whoops. It’s not that I don’t want to do the work, I’ve just been busy with work and moving. Oh yeah, I’m now in Manassas. So glad I’m out of Woodbridge. It’s getting crazy out there, in the land of ratchets. In the span of like two weeks, there have been 4 teen deaths in three days, a homicide, and a lady and her family were held at gunpoint and their car was stolen. It’s just sad.
I wish I could have a day off to just sleep. My next day off should be Veteran’s Day and I’m gonna spend it with Bella and unpack. The only thing I’ve managed to do since I’ve moved is get my bed together. Everything else is just there in boxes waiting for me to get my shit together.
Bella’s fifth birthday is coming up. I can’t believe how quickly time goes by. I feel like just yesterday she was 2 years old being “Hurricane Isabel”. I’ve decided to do a low-key family event since it’s the last kid birthday where I can gather the tribe before Gershon leaves off to the Marines and I’ll be able to do another one in five years when he comes home for Bella’s tenth birthday. 😀
After Bella’s birthday, it’ll be Thanksgiving and then Christmas. Aaarrghh I’m so excited. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red. LOL. I’m not a wine fan. Unless it’s Moscato and I still have to be in the mood for that. I’m really hoping for a white Christmas this year. I’m honestly really excited to spend the holidays with bae and Bella this year. The last couple of years I had dreaded the holiday season, there was no excitement for me other than seeing Bella’s face when she opened her presents.
I really need to get some work done but seeing how it’s a little after midnight imma just go to bed.
Hang loose mongoose,
Its been a little over two years since you’ve been gone. There are moments where you pass my thoughts here and there and I still can’t believe that you’re gone. You were that fun guy who everyone liked. The one who was always smiling every single morning in the cafeteria. Ben who was so proud of where he came from. I never understood how you were so awake at 7:30 in the morning. I miss your cheerfulness, your hugs, your talks. I can not remember a time you were angry or upset, little did I know you hid so much behind your smiles. I wish things had ended differently for you. I wish I had kept more in touch after high school, maybe it could have been different. Ben, you’re terribly missed. Not just by me but by everyone that you came in contact with. Your memories will forever live in us.
Rest in peace Ben ♥
According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for Americans. Every 13 minutes, there is one death by suicide. If you’re having these thoughts or know someone who is suicidal please get or find help. If you’re not sure what the warning signs are or don’t know how to talk to someone about suicide, please click here or call the number below.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(United States): 1(800)273-8255
take care, polar bear.